you better not be a victim

Dear Future Katy,

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You’re a survivor. Not a victim. This time last year you were sitting in a psychiatric ward after 8 years of utter bullshit. For years you were raped by your own brother.  You survived. You were raped by a close friend. You survived. 11 weeks later you miscarried. You survived. Self-harming. You survived. 8 overdoses; yes it was touch and go for a while but you survived. The suicide attempts. You survived. Post-traumatic stress disorder. You survived. Flashbacks so bad; you can barely breathe, barely move, exhausted for days after. You survived. Eating disorder. You survived. Hearing voices. Having a constant voice/s in your ear trying to convince you you’re worthless. You survived. Seeing bugs. Seeing fairies (meh, that was actually pretty cool.)   You survived. Being so psychotic you’d forgotten who you were. You survived. Losing people you loved because you’ve hurt them. You survived. (I’m pretty sure they also survived.) The times you ran away. You survived. The name calling. The bullying. The stigma. You survived.

Are you catching my drift? Don’t ever doubt how strong you are, you have overcome so much Future Me. We have worked so hard.

Remember the mantra we have? ‘You’ve done search and rescue/ you’ve climbed Snowdon – you can do anything!’ Well, I think it’s time to replace it with all of the above!

And It hasn’t all been bad, these experiences have shaped you into the caring, passionate, (cynical) optimist you are today.

Life just threw you into the fucking deep end. And now you’ve not only learned to swim but grown a tail and transformed into a fabulous mermaid. Every now and again something or someone may try and hold your head under the water, but you’ve got gills now; you will resurface. You are not damaged goods, you are not a hopeless case. And you are certainly not crazy.

Please do not forget this Future Me. Make me proud. Do something amazing with our life. Train to be a mental health nurse. Or just do what makes you bloody happy. I believe in you.

Okay, enough cheese for one night. Now stick on a Proclaimers album. And be amazing.

Love Current Me. X

 

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