you better not be moaning

Dear Future Katy,

I’m here in Agadir, Morocco and it is beautiful. The weather is lovely, our hotel is lovely, the views are lovely, but I’m not feeling that lovely. For some reason, I’m not overly happy. I don’t know what’s annoying me more the fact that I’m not happy, or that I can’t pinpoint why, so let’s try and work this out.

1. I’m just tired?

Well not really?  I’ve slept well, haven’t done much and I definitely can muster up a little bit of oomph.

2. My depressions’ just rearing its ugly head?

I’m not that miserable. I think?

3. I just have no one to talk too?

This could be a reason. There’s only much conversation you can make with your parents, and in a hotel full of pretty much just the over 50s, a mix of them not speaking English, there’s  not really anyone  I can engage with at my level (do you feel me, girl?). Plus, I’m not really feeling peppy enough to start chatting to someone.

4. I’m just spending too much time with Ma and Pa?

Possibly? This is the longest I’ve spent with them in over two years. Hopefully, this isn’t the reason because I’ve still got to spend another 8 days with them! I guess because I live on my own, I become very used to my own company, and an accustomed to a certain level of privacy and space, which you do not get when you share a room. Like seriously, personal-space bubble?

5. I’m just bored?

There a little nudge in this direction. I really shouldn’t be, though. I know what you’re thinking, you’re on holiday woman, sort yourself out!’ And I know, there is stuff to do;  I could go off and explore, there’s the pool, the beach, I’ve got some good books, lot’s to write about, and in scrape there’s always facebook….

6. I’m just comparing it to before?

I guess a big part of me, expects me to be having an amazing time just like I had in Marrakesh two years ago. But this is a different holiday, in a different place. I need to take it for what it is.

7. I would just rather be at home?

Nope. It’s cold in England. I would be at work. I would be constantly reminded that my relationship ended. No, thank you.

8. I’m just not keeping busy?

Quite possibly. I have never been very good at just sitting around the pool all day, and that’s all I have really done so far. I guess, I like being bombarded by culture and history, and Agadir (being a new, tourist town) hasn’t a lot to offer in that regards.

(I’ve got some photos to put in, Future me, but you’ll have to wait for those little beauties. )

Today.

So whilst I couldn’t exactly figure out why I was feeling 100%, I’m now feeling much more chilled.  Let me refresh you on the last 24 hours.

We went for a walk yesterday afternoon, just me and dad, to find where the walled souk was. My anxiety was playing up a little bit, as the locals were all gawking at me. They probably thought they had seen a ghost on accounts of how pale I am. (Please say, you’ve invested in spray tans Future me? Or embraced your skin tone, I guess that’s a more viable option?) I felt pretty uneasy, my typical anxiety symptoms; feeling sick and dizzy, heart ready to bust out of my chest, and wanting to punch someone in their stupid face. I stuck it out  We didn’t stay very long in the souk, just as much as I could handle,  but it’s the trying that counts right?

What has really fixed me up, however, occurred this morning. The old people and I went gallivanting  down to the marina; which asides from gobbling down bubblegum ice cream at Oliveras (which I’m renaming Olivanders by the way – if you don’t know what I’m talking about future me, then go pick up Harry Potter  and the philosopher’s stone, and get your act together) was pretty humdrum and un-scenic.

Anyway, on the way back from the built up tourist hub, we walked along the beach. Feeling my mermaid vibes, of course, I headed towards the ocean. I stuck on a relevant song (Knee Deep – Zac Brown Band, if you must know), took off my shoes and preceded to wade. A few minutes later, I cracked my most sincere smile of the holiday. I actually felt genuinely happy, at ease and relaxed for the first time in a while.

So I propose to you Future Katy, if you’re feeling sad, go to the beach. Even if you have to make do with Felixstowe, go have a paddle, you know it always works.

Now that I’m happy again, I’m buggering off. I’m going to Marrakesh on Saturday, which I’m really looking forward too, so I’ll probably write to you again after then.

Love Current Katy x

P.s I’ve been listening to the Joanne album by Lady Gaga! She’s just written an open letter about her having PTSD, so I’ll link it so you can have a read. It’s pretty inspiring. -> https://bornthisway.foundation/personal-letter-gaga/

P.p.s. You know my current feelings towards proof-reading.

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