you better not be an arsehole

Dear Future Katy,

I’m not going to proofread, or I’ll delete half of it. So just deal with this piece of poop okay? okay.

Have you ever thought you were doing okay, and then next thing you know you’re looking up at the still night sky, gravel grazing your exposed ankles, your fingers are intertwined in you’re unruly knotty hair and you have no fucking clue where you are?

I haven’t been ‘right’ for a while. I didn’t even realise I needed to admit that too myself until tonight. Like I knew, but the ‘brain fog’ has been clouding everything for a while. Brain fog as I call it (no clue, what/if it has a technical name?) has its pros and its cons. Pros: Nothing going on upstairs, nothing to worry about? Cons: Thinking and remembering get really hard. It’s like there’s a giant oily finger smudge over mind, better analogy – some big ass bird has taken a dump on my windscreen and I can’t see where I’m driving. I can’t process stuff properly because its as though there are no actual thoughts going on up there. And construing sentences with real meaning? Ha! You know when you’re normally just busy existing and you have your normal thoughts (or weird ones, whatever tickles your fancy) just coming and going swirling around and such, yeah well there’s none of that. Big fat cloudy smudge right there in the middle of my head.

It’s times like these where my voices actually help my sanity. When I can’t rely on my own thoughts to help me out, their suggestions (while not always helpful), are a needed reassurance. It’s clearing. Slowly. My thoughts have turned on the windscreen wipers and are trying to batter their way through the shit. (Must be working, because my metaphors are on point tonight!)

As awful as tonight’s flashback was, (like that was bad… I’ve not had one like that in a long time…) I think I needed it. I guess there called psychogenic seizures for a reason. It got me to be honest with myself and my family. I’ve been angry? Maybe? I can’t get to the crux of how I feel? And I took it out on my Grandma. I won’t go into details, but I’ve been an utter arse. Honestly, she did nothing wrong, but I found an excuse to be angry at someone (instead of why I’m actually angry, or whatever) and I ran with it. Self-serving arsehole who takes her unknown shit out on other people. Well done Katy.

Thinking about it, this has been my method for years? A good while? Okay, so I have a friend at work, and she is honestly lovely, but most of the time I just take the piss out of her. I do it with love, and I hope she knows that, but a part of me does it because ‘everyone always leaves me in the end’ and I guess I’m just like let’s get this over with now. But mental health shouldn’t be an excuse for bad behaviour. I wish I could do more than apologise for mine. Man, this self-therapy session is going well tonight, I am getting so much better at understanding myself (if I may say so myself) even though everyone probably has me figured out waaay before I catch on.

I’m not quite there yet am I, future me? I have hope though. I know this isn’t even a full step back, maybe just a little hop in the wrong direction. But somehow, I’m going to get some motivation back, get my sassy back on. I think we’ve moved forward as a family? I hope? I caught some little wisps of crying and cuddling while in my drooly half out of it state. I know you would advise me to give Grandma some flowers, and I will take you up on that advice. I’ve said this before, but I’m going to try to be more honest with others, and less dickface (obviously). And maybe just maybe I’ll start listening better to what my voices have to say, (just as long as there are not telling me to go on a murderous rampage that is). The main two have been discussing me for the last few days? (Not sure, don’t really have any concept of time currently) nattering to each other ‘what is wrong with her’ ‘someeeeeonnnnesss on her period’ ‘awww she’s just little grumpy’ ‘a little grumpy!?’ Guess the signs have been there?

Anyway, I better go. I am actually shattered. It’s been good to vent, I’ve missed this Future me? I really should stop making excuses and write to you more, my life isn’t that boring, I’m sure we could have a chat about something. Maybe something less depressing for once? :p

Love you always, chin up.

Current Katy.

P.s. Tell the people you love, that you love them, or just that you really like them if that seems a bit forward.

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