Dear Future Katy,
I’ve been alone. We’ve all been alone. Being alone can be nurturing for the soul, a time to process and rejuvenate.
Being lonely is a whole different ball game.
For me, it starts with a physical feeling. A heavy neck, like some great force, is pushing my head down (I know where you’re minds going Future Katy, get it out of the gutter.) Stiff fingers, as though they’re frozen in shock. And the chills. The chills are the worst, it’s as though every pore on my body can feel the room is empty, surrounded by nobody.
And then the pangs of sadness. When I wish I was anywhere but Lonely.
Loneliness makes you feel like no one else feels or has ever felt like you do now.
Everyone has someone, You imagine two old fogeys curled up together on a sofa sharing a tub of Ben and Jerrys, A man teaching his new puppy/best friend some tricks. A group of wild young friends downing shots together in a club or just work colleagues bonding over who has to take the rubbish out.
Loneliness is wishing you could be any one of those people. Anyone but the isolated zombie you’ve become.
Loneliness is a tremor it reverberates around your pre-existing depression, pushing you further into your own black hole of thoughts.
I want to reach out Future Katy, and I do try. I sit there scrolling through all the names in my phone, urging myself to just click on one and ask them how their day has been? But what if?
I can’t answer that question. I am a perpetrator of my own sadness.
Be a braver woman than I Future Katy. Ask that simple question to an old friend. You never know what might happen? What if? What if, even for a brief second you don’t feel that unbearable loneliness.
Lots of love,
Current Katy x
P.S. All in all, I guess I wasn’t too lonely whilst writing this letter to you. My voices are noisy tonight, and I’ve had my headphones on to try and drown them out.
So as always here are tonight’s tunes:
- I Don’t Think About You. – Kelly Clarkson ( Honest to god this is such a tune! Can always rely on Kelly to make you feel powerful ✨)
- I Am… I Said – Neil Diamond
- Candy – Paolo Nutini
- Belter – Gerry Cinnamon
- Blood Lying on Snow – The Proclaimers
- Sky Full of Song – Florence and the Machine
- Last Night – The Strokes
- Moving to New York – The Wombats
- Closing Time – Semisonic
- Painting Flowers – All Time Low
- Black Cat – Mayday Parade
- Home Is a Question Mark – Morrissey
- A Little Time – The Beautiful South