What No One Tells You About Mental Illness

Dear Future Katy,

I’m getting really fucking tired of this.

How many more times am I going to have to mop my own blood off the floor, or change my bedsheets because I’ve cut myself whilst in a dissociative state, and blacked out Katy didn’t even have the god damn decency to clean up her own fucking mess?

How many more times am I going to have to struggle to recite the names of all the streets I’ve lived on (Thank you Jessica Jones for that wonderfully useful grounding technique), or frantically search around the room for all things orange because I’ve just had yet another soul-crushing flashback and I need to yank myself back into reality?

I’m supposed to be this strong woman, who can defeat her mental demons, It’s almost become an expectation. But jeez. Can someone just take over for like 5 minutes? Or at least give me a sharper sword, because nothing is going to get slain with the wooden stick I’m currently using.

Urgh. I need a break. A holiday. Somewhere far away from my own mind.
I’m trying my absolute hardest to my life piece back together, to reset the Jenga blocks but my illness keeps knocking the tower back down.

Rant over. Tomorrow’s another day. Another battle. Another dragon. But one step closer to winning the war. Me and my little wooden sword.

Stay strong,
Current Katy x

P.S. Music today was just the one song played on repeat. Absolute banger.
– Running Up That Hill – Kate Bush

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